Thursday, 8 May 2014

Friend: A Bond of Mutual Affection


This is going to be a bit of a deep and real post, just forewarning you!

A friend asked me a few nights ago to help her to decide on who to have as her bridesmaids for her wedding next year, she had too many friends and didn't know how to whittle them down to the 3 or 4 which would be practical. As she started listing them and describing her relationship with them to me, I felt worse and worse, and by the end of the night I was feeling pretty down. This was no fault of hers, and I feel honoured that she was interested in my opinion and wanted my advice, but it reminded me of something which I try not to think about very often.

I don't have many good friends.

I was bullied a lot at school, and I had a lot of "frenemies" - enemies who pretended to be my friends - so there were very few people who I could trust never to poke fun at me, and to always be there for me. As a result of this, when I left school and college I was glad to leave most of those "friends" behind to start again at university, and hope to find some real friends. However as I dropped out at the end of the first year, and couldn't go back to visit the friends I had made, almost all of these friendships quickly fizzled out. As a consequence of this, the places where most people have their groups of friends from didn't really yield results for me, so I began my adult life with one best friend, and a lot of acquaintances, who I used to see on a regular basis, but didn't feel like I could message out of the blue, or go to for help.

Luckily I have managed to make some more friends since I have moved up north, such as the friend I mentioned earlier, who is a University friend who happened to move to Leeds at the same time as I did so we were very glad to have each other and to catch up! I am also friendly with a few RAF WAGs, and a few people I used to work with. However, with all of these people I am a secondary friend, someone separate from their core group of friends and the people they consider their best friends, which isn't a problem, until I think about it of course.

I did have two best friends for a while, but one had a baby, and lives in my home town which I don't get to visit much these days, so we have drifted apart somewhat due to different life circumstances. My other best friend has recently gotten into a serious relationship, and I am very very happy for her, but understandably she has fallen down the rabbit hole of new relationship and won't emerge for a while.

This has led me to begin to feel quite lonely, as Rich is away, and having been let down recently by some people I considered to be good friends, it has knocked my confidence. TV shows and films always show these amazing core groups of best friends who can tell each other everything and are always there for each other and see each other all the time. I want that. Do other people have that or is it just a Hollywood fantasy?

I am lucky to have the friends that I have and I have never had so many people in my life who I could message when I miss Rich or when I want to randomly chat. I just miss having a best friend, someone who I know I mean as much to as they mean to me. Is this horribly selfish of me? I hope not.

Sorry for the deep post, I just wanted to be honest about this, and to let anyone else know out there who feels in a similar way that they are not alone.

Rachel xx
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2 comments

  1. I feel the same way. I still have the same friends I had in high school, but... we're different people now, and I feel that if we were all super honest with each other, we'd admit we don't really like each other anymore. So we occasionally still hang out, because we haven't managed to make new friends or acquaintances who share our new interests and hobbies.

    It's hard, especially in a less populated area, to make friends. I've been going to some art group meetups to try and find people who won't zone out when I start talking about colors or fonts, and it looks promising, but it's a bit early to tell. (Here's to hoping!)

    I also don't think TV depicts life very accurately. I think you might have friends that close or for that long, but not likely both. Real life is too chaotic and people move physically or into different stages of life and it's very easy to form distance without even realizing it. I mean, who has time to sit in the same coffee shop every weekend?!

    Sorry for such a long comment! You just touched on some things I've been thinking about a lot lately. Good luck in the hunt!

    Jenn | Business, Life & Design

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  2. It can be so difficult as an adult to make new friends (unlike children, who share a crayon and are suddenly BFFs for the next 3 weeks). Can you perhaps go to some kind of class for something you enjoy doing (craft/dance/cooking?) to get to know people with similar interests? Or perhaps find a local book club? I find shared interests, and places like book clubs where conversation is sure to happen, to be excellent icebreakers. Just remember that the nicest people are always interested in making a new friend, so I'm sure you'll find some of them soon :) xxx

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